I am in so much pain after miscarrying yesterday.
A needs to work, i cant have him beside me stroking me with vicks all the time and bringing me drinks when i asked him to. I need to persevere and be strong.
Ya allah, give me the strength to go through this.
So earlier today I was at Mount Elizabeth hospital for an interview. I got the job fyi. Alhamdulillah.
While waiting, i experienced pain like no other. I was having severe cramps and broke into a cold sweat and i knew i had wet my pants. No it is not disgusting.
As you all know, i had a miscarriage and it has been close to 7-8weeks? Nthg has happened yet and i was scheduled for a D&C on 7/4.
Today it happened.
Firstly i have to apologize if the graphics i would be showing would cause some people to vomit but again, like i have said. There is nothing to be shy about when we talk about miscarriages. Seems to be a close topic for some. Though awareness is there, it is always good to have or read stories especially if you are experiencing or going through one.
So during the interview, i was sweating bullocks and it was a pain i can never describe. I felt like i was experiencing contractions, though i never knew how it felt like but im pretty sure it was close to that. The contractions was about 15-20mins apart and everytime i could feel blood trickling out from my vajeje. And this was happening the moment i stepped out of the house.
So i persevere through the interview. I got the yes, i start next week. The pay is good, benefits and bonuses all good. Alhamdullilah for that.
Right after that, i dashed straight to the toilet whilst that feeling like as if i was gonna give birth.
And i did.
It was smooth. And alhamdulillah, it happened in the toilet because masya allah, imagined if it happened in the train or while im walking at orchard road. I could not thank Allah for giving me the blessing and shelter for what i thought is something personal that the walls of the cubicles was sufficient.
My panties was soaked with blood. So was my pants. My pad was unregconizable and i was in a complete state of shock as to what i saw came out of it.
It was my baby, my precious little one.
Innalillah wa innahlillayhi rajiioon.
For to him we belong and to him we return.
I wrapped my baby in a handkerchief which i happened to have. Cleaned myself up. Brace myself. Called A to inform him and hailed a cab and went back home.
I held my baby on my palms throughout the journey home. He/she was heavy. About 300-400grams i can say?
When i reached, mum and A was waiting and we went to bury our baby right after, under a tree, just behind our home where i could see him through my bedroom window.
We wrapped him in a white cloth and we buried him together. It was heartbreaking. Nothing can compare to having to bury your own child. And as a Muslim, because my baby was not fully 'grown', we did not have to go through funeral processions. But what i saw in the toilet, i just didnt have the heart to flush my baby down.
We have moaned and we have accepted.
It was just before maghrib and it was windy, almost chilly. And i knew Allah must be very proud of us, as parents, to be so calm and composed at that moment of time.
Only when we had to doa after, i broke down and i just hugged A.
Thats our baby.
And we will see you soon sweetheart, in jannah, insya allah.
Thank you A, for being the stronger one. For taking the lead. For doing all that you do. For giving me the strength. For not pointing fingers. For accepting our destiny. For allowing me to moarn. And for being wonderful all this time.
Alhamdulillah, for this test and all blessings to follow.
I am tested and i have redha. And we will not stop trying.
PS. In the photo, is my precious, with its placenta and attached umbilicial cord. It came out in 1 piece. Alhamdulilah.
Since our last visit to the doctor. And since the advise was to miscarry naturally, nothing has happened yet. I am having none of the miscarriage symptoms. No cramps. No bleeding. No spotting. No nthg.
Should i be worried?
As of today, baby has been inside me not alive for close to 5 weeks now.
Please give me some answers.
Why is the baby not coming out?
Since we received news of the miscarriage, we have been receiving countless support and love from people we knew, and definitely made facing this period much easier.
However, when you are faced with such news, any news later is considered good.
1. A was offered a permanent job at apple as a software engineer. Pay increase and excellent benefits. Of course I am overjoyed because this is his cup of tea. And i am glad that insya allah, his work life is much stable now.
However, when A submitted his resignation letter, A was approached by his big boss that they are considering to convert him to perm BUT thats not the best part.
The best part is they are also shortlisting his name to lead the banking team in KL. Basically, A's company is relocating to KL and his boss wants him to lead the team over there in charge of DBS.
THAT'S BIG NEWS ISNT IT?
If A relocates, i go with him. Which also means we will be starting our life there. Seems viable considering after what happened, it will be nice to free ourselves from the stressful demands of life in SG and live somewhere more 'relek' and laidback.
So A went for the interview with the recrutiment team from NCR HQ 2 days ago, and yesterday, they called and said that he got the job. And the salary offer they are offering is ya allah too good to be true. Enough for me to follow him there and become a tai tai lah. If not also i always have the option to work as a nurse there so i wont bore myself to death.
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
I could say that A was extremely happy yet i knew he wasnt expressing that much knowing the other news and it just dampens everything.
Cant tell you how proud i am of A. So so proud of his determination and eagerness to start this new role and of course, whatever it takes, i will be his motivator.
So whilst we moarn, we are also considering this leap of future insya allah benefitting the both of us say, im the next 5years to come.
Maybe we will just be migrating there for good.
Maybe we will just leap at this opportunity to work there for 3-5yrs and then come back to SG.
Maybe A wont even take the offer and accept Apple instead.
So, we'll see. :)
Broke the news to the ones that knew and mattered yesterday. The look on everyones faces was pure disappointment and sadness however it is what it is.
It has been nearly 5weeks since my precious is 'resting' in my womb.
Opting to wait for another week for a natural miscarry which i hope wont be too painful however if my baby decides to stay on, will be going for a D&C on 7/4/15.
I pray to Allah that he will ease my pain and give me all the strength for me and A to get through this.
Me and A has comes to terms with the loss of our baby. We hope people gives us the space to not make it harder for us.
Will be away for 3days to just give ourselves some breather. Looking forward to eat all the food i avoided during pregnancy.
Life goes on doesn't it?
Went to TMC earlier today and what i anticipated happened.
The worse words to hear during a pregnancy ultrasound is 'we could not detect heartbeat'.
They churned us a report 20mins later and in the car back home, me and A kept silent throughout the journey yet he held my hands so tight and I knew he was crying.
I wasnt sad because i had a miscarriage.
In fact, i am glad that Allah decided to let him/her go because maybe he/she was not going to be a healthy baby.
What saddens me is disappointing A, yet again. Because i know he wanted to be a dad more than anything in this world. He is the most excellent around kids. The love i have for him is too much and i could feel his pain.
We will get over this.
But the moment we stepped out thinking we needed a breather, we saw a wonderful image of a mum holding her baby and it just crushed us.
It could have been us.
Went for a dating scan yesterday at Dr Adrian's clinic and he could not find a heartbeart and fetus was 'unusually small'. Mothers instincts, i felt smtg was just off since last week hence the trip to Dr Adrian's clinic.
So he advised us to go to TMC for a Fetal Viability Test to confirm. It will be tmr, 19/3 at 8am and will be seeing him right after that at his clinic at 1145am.
If this is a MS yet again, i will be devastated.
Where did it go wrong?
What did i do wrong?
Today, i woke up feeling light. And when i say this, it scares me.
For the past 10 weeks or so, since the pregnancy symptoms kicks in, i never fail to wake up feeling heavy, breast so tender and painful even when walking, felt like my lower abdomen has increased in size through the night, immediate urgency to pee, and most importantly, nauseous and have this little finger behind my throat tickling the bezzejus out of me. Abeh when i brush my teeth, i will literally vomit all of my stomach contents which is actually to be honest, the worse start of my day.
Today, NONE of that happened.
When i woke up for work this morning at 6.30, i woke up like a normal human being, went to the toilet, did my business, brushed my teeth(which was a breeze), showered, got dressed and i was out. In the bus, suddenly it hit me.
I really hope everything is ok with the baby. It wont be till 7more days till i have my next appt with Dr Adrian and the last time everything was looking so fab. Good strong heartbeat.
So itchy hands me went to baby forums and such and i swear that was a wrong decision.
I have mummies telling me they have the same symptoms and feeling and the next time they went to have their u/s done, the dr could not find a fetal heartbeat and the baby must have stopped growing at 8weeks 3days. Like the dr could actually tell the exact moment when the baby stopped growing, which also means the day the mother miscarried.
I told Linda about this, she took it positively and told me that it was my morning sickness that was gone, i should not worry too much and enjoy my pregnancy.
How to?
Seriously, how to. :'(
I am scared.
Come one, just 1 breast flinch or make me vomit come on make me vomit now i dont care, anything at all to show me you're ok my little one.
If these 'no symptoms' persist till end of today, i am seeing dr adrian tmr.
For that peace of mind.
Sorry for this 'i dont care about how you feel' post.
Someone just said that any tom dick and harry can get a degree and unless their parents are paying, nurses shouldnt waste their 20k paying off their study loan for nothing.
Hello?
Must be one of those lazy melayu's. Sorry to say this but i am melayu also and proud of it.
You dont want to take your degree for whatever reasons you have, your pasal ah.
I took mine, with a lot of sacrifices and all, and that cert puts me where i am today, above you and earning much much moree than you.
So dont you be a smart pac and say all these ignorant things.
Time waster.
Because unlike me, you are just contempt with where you are now and what you are earning.
Im not. Because i know i should study while i can, be paid more, be offered a higher position besides a regular nurse and i know i can provide more for my family and kids.
Sorry but hell no.
You are damn wrong.
Okayyyyy.
Me and A have actually decide on our baby's names. We have for either one. Uhmmmm.
A has this thinking of having a family name. Well, actually starting a family name. Like the angmohs will have aniston or pitt or smith or sheperdson or kunis or whatever. Yeah so something like that.
(And i also like the fact that i could #The(insertfamilyname) in Ig. Heh.
So we decided on Yuhanis.
Why? Uhmmm. This was actually decided even before we got married because A saw is somewherr and he was like yes yes thats gonna be in my kids name one day.
As for me, i would want to inculcate a middle name. And this came out of a sudden during evening coffee time at coffee bean and i came across this article on Isra & Mi'raj. The journey of our prophet nabi muhammad saw (peace be upon him) where solat, sunnah, and all the important elements of Islam was brought upon to him. so having this middle name inculcated gives me the relief and assurance that whatever journey of life my kids has to go through, it has and always be in the name of Allah and Islam.
For the names.
We have decided on Hannah if its a girl, or Qaiser if a boy.
Meanings also seeked upon
Hannah, meaning loving, kind, sympathetic.
Qaiser, meaning emperor, responsible, inclined to give help and comfort to those in need.
So with my middle name and A's 'family name'.
It will thus be, my babies names
:'( :'( so emotional......
Hannah Isra Yuhanis
Qaiser Miraj Yuhanis
With the meaning of their names, and the journey they will take, and always knowing family.
What more could i ask for.
I am blessed. Thank you Allah for all that you have bestowed on me.
Choosing my gynae must be the most confusing and annoying thing ever considering the fact that EVERYONE has an opinion and everyone has some bad/good things to say.
See, i bukan lah mengade2 but i would rather not go with KK because KK is seriously f***ed up. I have worked there, i have seen and i have witnessed and i do not like it. Subsidize or private, irregardless, uh-huh, never.
So after much sought out baby forums and mummy forums and asking here and there, me and A has decided to go with Dr Adrian Benjamin Woodworth. Mainly because of convenience and also, i like him, got chemistry. I like doctors who dont talk a lot, make me more anxious only. Which was rather what was commented to me actually.
'Dr Adrian nvr talk one. Very quiet. Must ask him qns. If not very fast. '
Ok you see. For me, a doctor who doesnt talk a lot, talks only whe he needs to works for me. This is also one of many reasons WHY i question the P&C of doctors in KK. Bebual kuat org luar pun boleh dgr. No EQ. God, just so uncomfortable.
Isnt it good that you have a doctor who only talks what is needed and answers all your questions and doubts instead of a doctor who talks non stop and distrupt your alleged way of thoughts?
I dont know. Whichever rocks your boat.
So to make it short, i actually started seeing Dr A when i was 10weeks down. Which he also said, why didnt you see me at 6weeks or from your point of post? Bahahahha. Dont know what to answer.
So the package was $688 (as of January 2015) from 10th week - end of pregnancy (birth). He also doesnt charge extra for meds when i came in for flu or cough and he is very generous with his MC. Heh. See of cours there will be refunds on a certain % if Dr Adrian were to my delivery doctor. We will see about that. The package was a basic one. With the ultrasound photos every visit and also routine checks. Not inclusive of blood takes if needed etx.
Before i forgot as well, actually the main reason why we decided with Dr Adrian was mainly because he has an evening clinic at Sengkang from 5.30-7.30pm on weekdays and also opens on alternate Sundays, which works well for me since i am on office hours and i do not want to take unnecessary leave to go for check ups. And his clinic is at Sengkang! How convenient since we are staying with mum now while our rooms are being leased out for at least a yr or two for now.
Alhamdulillah, everything is falling into place.
And i know A wont be reading this, he thinks blogging is a waste of time. But having a baby totally changes the way i feel and thinks of my darling A. I used to have this mindset that I am A's maid and he is very dependant on me in cooking, cleaning, ironing and all those routine housekeeping. But since knowing we are pregnant, A has been 100% attentive to all my needs and pls im not sugarcoating any of this. This is really straight from my heart.
I am so glad i have A as my husband, my khalifah, and the father of my children.
What more can i ask for?
I am very blessed. Thank you Allah.
Insert, first ultrasound :)
