Finally

So earlier today I was at Mount Elizabeth hospital for an interview. I got the job fyi. Alhamdulillah.

While waiting, i experienced pain like no other. I was having severe cramps and broke into a cold sweat and i knew i had wet my pants. No it is not disgusting.

As you all know, i had a miscarriage and it has been close to 7-8weeks? Nthg has happened yet and i was scheduled for a D&C on 7/4.

Today it happened.
Firstly i have to apologize if the graphics i would be showing would cause some people to vomit but again, like i have said. There is nothing to be shy about when we talk about miscarriages. Seems to be a close topic for some. Though awareness is there, it is always good to have or read stories especially if you are experiencing or going through one.

So during the interview, i was sweating bullocks and it was a pain i can never describe. I felt like i was experiencing contractions, though i never knew how it felt like but im pretty sure it was close to that. The contractions was about 15-20mins apart and everytime i could feel blood trickling out from my vajeje. And this was happening the moment i stepped out of the house.

So i persevere through the interview. I got the yes, i start next week. The pay is good, benefits and bonuses all good. Alhamdullilah for that.

Right after that, i dashed straight to the toilet whilst that feeling like as if i was gonna give birth.

And i did.

It was smooth. And alhamdulillah, it happened in the toilet because masya allah, imagined if it happened in the train or while im walking at orchard road. I could not thank Allah for giving me the blessing and shelter for what i thought is something personal that the walls of the cubicles was sufficient.

My panties was soaked with blood. So was my pants. My pad was unregconizable and i was in a complete state of shock as to what i saw came out of it.

It was my baby, my precious little one.

Innalillah wa innahlillayhi rajiioon.
For to him we belong and to him we return.

I wrapped my baby in a handkerchief which i happened to have. Cleaned myself up. Brace myself. Called A to inform him and hailed a cab and went back home.

I held my baby on my palms throughout the journey home. He/she was heavy. About 300-400grams i can say?

When i reached, mum and A was waiting and we went to bury our baby right after, under a tree, just behind our home where i could see him through my bedroom window.

We wrapped him in a white cloth and we buried him together. It was heartbreaking. Nothing can compare to having to bury your own child. And as a Muslim, because my baby was not fully 'grown', we did not have to go through funeral processions. But what i saw in the toilet, i just didnt have the heart to flush my baby down.

We have moaned and we have accepted.

It was just before maghrib and it was windy, almost chilly. And i knew Allah must be very proud of us, as parents, to be so calm and composed at that moment of time.
Only when we had to doa after, i broke down and i just hugged A.

Thats our baby.
And we will see you soon sweetheart, in jannah, insya allah.

Thank you A, for being the stronger one. For taking the lead. For doing all that you do. For giving me the strength. For not pointing fingers. For accepting our destiny. For allowing me to moarn. And for being wonderful all this time.

Alhamdulillah, for this test and all blessings to follow.
I am tested and i have redha. And we will not stop trying.

PS. In the photo, is my precious, with its placenta and attached umbilicial cord. It came out in 1 piece. Alhamdulilah.