Thank you Aida :)

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This is an is an extremely personal topic for me to write.

'Da berisi?'

“Pray for us, Soon In Sha Allah” is always our answer.

And every month when Little Miss Red comes, I die a little inside.

Every month when I realised that I’m not pregnant, I find myself quickly thinking, “I don’t deserve to be a mother. Maybe I’m not good enough to be one.”

During the first year of marriage, I was super anxious to have a child. I wanted it so badly and I prayed for it every day.

"Everything has its own time and its own place.”

And how that rings true. For everything in life. We can want something so bad, but if it has not been willed for it to happen, it will not happen. Even if the whole world conspired and helped you, if Allah has not willed for it to happen, it will not happen. And if it is bound to happen, even if the whole universe is against you, Allah will make sure it happens.

Anger won’t change the situation. Disappointment won’t change the situation. But Du’a will.

You know, I still do pray for a child. And you may say, “But you said Du’a will change the situation. You are still not pregnant.”

And here’s what I can tell you. I may not have gained a child yet, but I have lost my anxiety and I have gained peacefulness.

Through Du’a, I have found acceptance. I have found strength. And I have found clarity.

And now, when I do make du’a for a child, I add “Only if its the best for us, Ya Allah. For our Deen, Dunia and Akhirat. And only You know best.”

We cannot understand why Allah has willed certain things for us. Maybe someday, with His blessings, we will. But if we don’t, than take comfort in the fact that whatever happens, it is all for our good.

I am not saying that I have given up. But I have definitely found peace. Peace in knowing that it’s OK. That even if we don’t have kids, it’s also going to be OK. Because we have each other, we have a beautiful family and we have Allah.

That’s all we need, really.

So if something is missing in your life, know that it’s OK. Perhaps it’s in that very absence that might actually lead you to strengthen your relationship with Allah.

And that counts for more than anything else in this world.