Memory of a lost and start to a new beginning.

12 January 2015.

Today was supposedly my EDD.

I would have probably be like over 39 weeks pregnant or maybe, just maybe, already given birth. 

Not here to moan mine and A's lost but it sure taught us to be so so supportive of each other.
We never talked about it, yet deep inside, whenever we chanced across a pregnant lady or a father carrying his baby, sometimes i do see the yearn in A's face and it kills me more than anything.

Yes, i had a misscarriage last June.
I was bleeding so much at work i thought i was going to pass out. But right there and then, i knew i lost the baby.

Was it painful. Yes.
Was it expected. No.
Did it hurt. More than anything.

I never really talked about it neither did i push it away. I guess i wasnt ready and part of me feels so so ashamed.
Not to my mum, not even my aunts or nenek.
Did had this conversation with Siti and Baby but thats it.

People do not seem to understand when they say its ok because obviously, it is not.
I remembered trying so hard not to cry every night to sleep because i didnt want A to know how much damage it costs me. At the same time, i didnt want to make him feel any less. Of course i played an open facade and overtime, it gets better.

I dont know you readers on whats your take on misscarriage but to me, its not only about loosing your baby, it is also a death. I believe every baby should have a chance to take their first steps.  And it kills me even typing this but ey, i am ok now and i am sure, insya allah, one day, me and A will be blessed with a baby of our own.

I didnt get to see your face, hold your tiny fingers or have you wrap around my arms, but at least i had you, even if it was for a short while.