It is what it is.

Broke the news to the ones that knew and mattered yesterday. The look on everyones faces was pure disappointment and sadness however it is what it is.

It has been nearly 5weeks since my precious is 'resting' in my womb.

Opting to wait for another week for a natural miscarry which i hope wont be too painful however if my baby decides to stay on, will be going for a D&C on 7/4/15.

I pray to Allah that he will ease my pain and give me all the strength for me and A to get through this.

Me and A has comes to terms with the loss of our baby. We hope people gives us the space to not make it harder for us.

Will be away for 3days to just give ourselves some breather. Looking forward to eat all the food i avoided during pregnancy.

Life goes on doesn't it?

What I knew

Went to TMC earlier today and what i anticipated happened.

The worse words to hear during a pregnancy ultrasound is 'we could not detect heartbeat'.

They churned us a report 20mins later and in the car back home, me and A kept silent throughout the journey yet he held my hands so tight and I knew he was crying.

I wasnt sad because i had a miscarriage.
In fact, i am glad that Allah decided to let him/her go because maybe he/she was not going to be a healthy baby.

What saddens me is disappointing A, yet again. Because i know he wanted to be a dad more than anything in this world. He is the most excellent around kids. The love i have for him is too much and i could feel his pain.

We will get over this.
But the moment we stepped out thinking we needed a breather, we saw a wonderful image of a mum holding her baby and it just crushed us.

It could have been us.

HB

Went for a dating scan yesterday at Dr Adrian's clinic and he could not find a heartbeart and fetus was 'unusually small'. Mothers instincts, i felt smtg was just off since last week hence the trip to Dr Adrian's clinic.

So he advised us to go to TMC for a Fetal Viability Test to confirm. It will be tmr, 19/3 at 8am and will be seeing him right after that at his clinic at 1145am.

If this is a MS yet again, i will be devastated.

Where did it go wrong?

What did i do wrong?

Paranoia

Today, i woke up feeling light. And when i say this, it scares me.

For the past 10 weeks or so, since the pregnancy symptoms kicks in, i never fail to wake up feeling heavy, breast so tender and painful even when walking, felt like my lower abdomen has increased in size through the night, immediate urgency to pee, and most importantly, nauseous and have this little finger behind my throat tickling the bezzejus out of me. Abeh when i brush my teeth, i will literally vomit all of my stomach contents which is actually to be honest, the worse start of my day.

Today, NONE of that happened.
When i woke up for work this morning at 6.30, i woke up like a normal human being, went to the toilet, did my business, brushed my teeth(which was a breeze), showered, got dressed and i was out. In the bus, suddenly it hit me.

I really hope everything is ok with the baby. It wont be till 7more days till i have my next appt with Dr Adrian and the last time everything was looking so fab. Good strong heartbeat.

So itchy hands me went to baby forums and such and i swear that was a wrong decision.

I have mummies telling me they have the same symptoms and feeling and the next time they went to have their u/s done, the dr could not find a fetal heartbeat and the baby must have stopped growing at 8weeks 3days. Like the dr could actually tell the exact moment when the baby stopped growing, which also means the day the mother miscarried.

I told Linda about this, she took it positively and told me that it was my morning sickness that was gone, i should not worry too much and enjoy my pregnancy.

How to?
Seriously, how to. :'(
I am scared.

Come one, just 1 breast flinch or make me vomit come on make me vomit now i dont care, anything at all to show me you're ok my little one.
If these 'no symptoms' persist till end of today, i am seeing dr adrian tmr.
For that peace of mind.

A degree is a useless piece of paper

Sorry for this 'i dont care about how you feel' post.

Someone just said that any tom dick and harry can get a degree and unless their parents are paying, nurses shouldnt waste their 20k paying off their study loan for nothing.

Hello?

Must be one of those lazy melayu's. Sorry to say this but i am melayu also and proud of it.

You dont want to take your degree for whatever reasons you have, your pasal ah.

I took mine, with a lot of sacrifices and all, and that cert puts me where i am today, above you and earning much much moree than you.
So dont you be a smart pac and say all these ignorant things.
Time waster.
Because unlike me, you are just contempt with where you are now and what you are earning.
Im not. Because i know i should study while i can,  be paid more,  be offered a higher position besides a regular nurse and i know i can provide more for my family and kids.

Sorry but hell no.
You are damn wrong.

Baby Names too early? Nahh.

Okayyyyy.
Me and A have actually decide on our baby's names. We have for either one. Uhmmmm.

A has this thinking of having a family name. Well, actually starting a family name. Like the angmohs will have aniston or pitt or smith or sheperdson or kunis or whatever. Yeah so something like that.
(And i also like the fact that i could #The(insertfamilyname) in Ig. Heh.

So we decided on Yuhanis.
Why? Uhmmm. This was actually decided even before we got married because A saw is somewherr and he was like yes yes thats gonna be in my kids name one day. 

As for me, i would want to inculcate a middle name. And this came out of a sudden during evening coffee time at coffee bean and i came across this article on Isra & Mi'raj. The journey of our prophet nabi muhammad saw (peace be upon him) where solat, sunnah, and all the important elements of Islam was brought upon to him. so having this middle name inculcated gives me the relief and assurance that whatever journey of life my kids has to go through, it has and always be in the name of Allah and Islam.

For the names.
We have decided on Hannah if its a girl, or Qaiser if a boy.

Meanings also seeked upon

Hannah, meaning loving, kind, sympathetic.

Qaiser, meaning emperor, responsible, inclined to give help and comfort to those in need.

So with my middle name and A's 'family name'.

It will thus be, my babies names
:'( :'( so emotional......

Hannah Isra Yuhanis
Qaiser Miraj Yuhanis

With the meaning of their names, and the journey they will take, and always knowing family.
What more could i ask for.
I am blessed. Thank you Allah for all that you have bestowed on me.

Prenatal checks and choosing my Gynae

Choosing my gynae must be the most confusing and annoying thing ever considering the fact that EVERYONE has an opinion and everyone has some bad/good things to say.

See, i bukan lah mengade2 but i would rather not go with KK because KK is seriously f***ed up. I have worked there, i have seen and i have witnessed and i do not like it. Subsidize or private, irregardless, uh-huh, never.

So after much sought out baby forums and mummy forums and asking here and there, me and A has decided to go with Dr Adrian Benjamin Woodworth. Mainly because of convenience and also, i like him, got chemistry. I like doctors who dont talk a lot, make me more anxious only. Which was rather what was commented to me actually.

'Dr Adrian nvr talk one.  Very quiet. Must ask him qns. If not very fast. '

Ok you see. For me, a doctor who doesnt talk a lot, talks only whe he needs to works for me. This is also one of many reasons WHY i question the P&C of doctors in KK. Bebual kuat org luar pun boleh dgr. No EQ. God, just so uncomfortable.

Isnt it good that you have a doctor who only talks what is needed and answers all your questions and doubts instead of a doctor who talks non stop and distrupt your alleged way of thoughts?

I dont know. Whichever rocks your boat.

So to make it short, i actually started seeing Dr A when i was 10weeks down. Which he also said, why didnt you see me at 6weeks or from your point of post? Bahahahha. Dont know what to answer.

So the package was $688 (as of January 2015) from 10th week - end of pregnancy (birth). He also doesnt charge extra for meds when i came in for flu or cough and he is very generous with his MC. Heh. See of cours there will be refunds on a certain % if Dr Adrian were to my delivery doctor. We will see about that. The package was a basic one. With the ultrasound photos every visit and also routine checks. Not inclusive of blood takes if needed etx.

Before i forgot as well, actually the main reason why we decided with Dr Adrian was mainly because he has an evening clinic at Sengkang from 5.30-7.30pm on weekdays and also opens on alternate Sundays, which works well for me since i am on office hours and i do not want to take unnecessary leave to go for check ups. And his clinic is at Sengkang! How convenient since we are staying with mum now while our rooms are being leased out for at least a yr or two for now.

Alhamdulillah, everything is falling into place.
And i know A wont be reading this, he thinks blogging is a waste of time. But having a baby totally changes the way i feel and thinks of my darling A. I used to have this mindset that I am A's maid and he is very dependant on me in cooking, cleaning, ironing and all those routine housekeeping. But since knowing we are pregnant, A has been 100% attentive to all my needs and pls im not sugarcoating any of this. This is really straight from my heart.

I am so glad i have A as my husband, my khalifah, and the father of my children.
What more can i ask for?
I am very blessed. Thank you Allah.

Insert, first ultrasound :)

MS

Morning sickness takes all of me away.
ALL OF ME.

Vacate by 1st March 2015

Ouh no.
Just received news from A that we have to vacate our home by last week of feb for the rental. 2years :'(

I was just adjusting to our new home and thought i could have a few more mnths. I mean, my work place is just 6bus stops away!

Noooooooooo.
But on the bright side, i am just looking forward to the sum we are gonna save up for ny dream renovation works.

2 years cepat kan?
Yes?
No?

Anyways, i am on folic acid daily till 12weeks. Sometimes, most of the times, like today, i lupa la kan i da makan ke belum. So usually i wun take a double dosage. Just to be safe, i will omit the days dosage.

Cannot la. Must be discpline take this every day at a permanent timing.

Different is good.

So u see.
You know there's thousands of pregnancy apps in play store and i downloaded quite a few.
It wasnt as accurate on all but ok lah. Plus minus a few days.

So they could actually calculate the estimated date of conception.
So i try lahhh.

Oh My God.

I remembered it vividly.
It was that day where it was different.

Huat ah.
Ging xi fa cai!
Hong bao na lai!

I need cocoa butter

Oh. Today is not a day of love.
Today is the day where i wake up in the morning, looked in the mirror and had yet again another pregnancy shock.

I am developing stretchmarks.
Its blue and purple and it itch.

Happy valentines day.

Y & P

Went to the obsgyn earlier today.
Everything looks good.
Just concern that i am not experiencing any morning sickness (so far), no headaches or cravings. Nothing of that sort.

Just maybe some fatique. And my breast. Oh god my breast. They are growing. I will refer them to another entity altogether. Because they are not mine. They belong to an 80yr old.

Other than that, A made me took a few just to confirm. He is pretty much shocked as I was. How ironic on his 'design' isnt it.

Yes & Positive.
Such a happy man he is.

What a difference a day makes

Just a day apart, yet yesterday was tears of disappointment, today's was of happiness.

Thank you Allah.

I took the left test yesterday (negative) and the right one (positive) today. Really hope its a false negative. Or my HCG was just not so good yesterday.

Uh-huh

That's all I could say for now.
I have been blessed.
My prayers have been answered.

Eh hi!

Sorry la so busy with the moving in and unknowingly had a few visitors thus by e end of the day, i LEPAK. Tonight ok promise.

A whole new world-home

Nothing is more gratifying then opening the doors of your new home.

I was so excited i literally drew up like a floor plan for the reno works, i tell you i need to stop it.

A did the honours of meng-azankan rumah and i sat down just looking and listening at how nice his voice was when he was not annoying the beezeezus out of me.

So moving forward, we had a good 4hrs earlier today just lazing around eating packed food and enjoying the serenity of our new abode. It was a quiet neighbourhood. There was a lot of shops and eateries around which i LOVE. Eh there is also a wet market like 5mins walk away which i was super excited on. Must masak very important ah.

So tmr i gotta go down for the gas and utilities activations and what not and i have Siti to teman me which is always fun! Also need some scrubbing that house, berahabok kaki i.
Other than that, nothing much la kan.

Just taking it all in, one panic attack at a time. :)

Memory of a lost and start to a new beginning.

12 January 2015.

Today was supposedly my EDD.

I would have probably be like over 39 weeks pregnant or maybe, just maybe, already given birth. 

Not here to moan mine and A's lost but it sure taught us to be so so supportive of each other.
We never talked about it, yet deep inside, whenever we chanced across a pregnant lady or a father carrying his baby, sometimes i do see the yearn in A's face and it kills me more than anything.

Yes, i had a misscarriage last June.
I was bleeding so much at work i thought i was going to pass out. But right there and then, i knew i lost the baby.

Was it painful. Yes.
Was it expected. No.
Did it hurt. More than anything.

I never really talked about it neither did i push it away. I guess i wasnt ready and part of me feels so so ashamed.
Not to my mum, not even my aunts or nenek.
Did had this conversation with Siti and Baby but thats it.

People do not seem to understand when they say its ok because obviously, it is not.
I remembered trying so hard not to cry every night to sleep because i didnt want A to know how much damage it costs me. At the same time, i didnt want to make him feel any less. Of course i played an open facade and overtime, it gets better.

I dont know you readers on whats your take on misscarriage but to me, its not only about loosing your baby, it is also a death. I believe every baby should have a chance to take their first steps.  And it kills me even typing this but ey, i am ok now and i am sure, insya allah, one day, me and A will be blessed with a baby of our own.

I didnt get to see your face, hold your tiny fingers or have you wrap around my arms, but at least i had you, even if it was for a short while.

#projekrumahAidilxxDya

I am actually very bored whilst waiting for A to finish work later for our date night and also accompanying him watch his 12am man u game.

Spring cleaned our room, figuring it would take me at least 4hrs, but i got tired in between so i made do with just changing the bedsheets and sapu n mop la.

So as you can see from the title of this post. Projek rumah!

Excited lah. Who wouldnt be. First time home owners. Tu pun ade jugak org yg ckp kite ni action dpt rumah pun nak kasi satu dunia tahu. I have to control myself from swearing out loud but really, nothing is a competition and we should all be happy for each other.
So just take a second and say alhamdulillah for all the things we have now, because it is nothing, but a loan.
So pls stop all this nonsense. Lets all be happy ok?

I actually wanted to share with you guys on my journey with A towards getting that key for our new home. Which! Is tmr btw.!!!!

See, i am lucky to actually have my mum, who is a single mum btw to own a house of her own so i didnt really had a rush to buy a house or move out persay.

So when we decided to just give it a shot to apply for the HLE loan last march, we were pretty suprised that that amount was in so much comparison to was before in 2009. See the amount that was approved for us back in 09 was 147,000. Yes, THAT. Which wasnt even enough to buy us a 3room flat. Partly because both of us just changed to a new job and though our salary was above 3, HDB didnt care of course. They rely much on the consistency of monthly contributions for at least 6mnths-1yr. 

Thus when we tried a second time last March 2014, we were in disbelief that the approved loan was actually 480,000.
And lucky enough for us, A had a friend back in brunei who is a property agent and his profile is amazinggg.

Back and forth, we suddenly found ourselves going for viewings. We went for a total of 15houses and we actually fell in love with the last one. We werent actually attracted to the design or what was present during the viewing. When i go into the house, what i see is what i could visualive my house to be. So i fell in love instantly. It was a good aura.

So back to the house. We will be getting our keys tmr. It wasnt a long wait as we only started our search in june and unlike other couples who are moving in right after, sadly we are not!!! Boohoo. But its ok. Always an investment like A says. It will be worth the wait.
So which is why #projekrumahAidilxxDya will kick start right about now. I will be sharing with you guys my journey to having and building my dream home, just like how I did during my wedding. It will only be about cost saving ideas and knickknacks, and DIY of course! Im all about that. Bukan Im all about that bass eh. No treble.

So speaking of earlier that i was gonna do spring cleaning right? I had to post it.

HOW ON EARTH DOES AIDIL HAS MORE CLOTHES THEN ME?

Ni tak jadi.

Next trip due in March

You know.

Me n A make it a pact that we have to go on short trips every 3months since after we got married. And it seems to happen diligently.
More so, we will always have somewhere to go and something to shop or a new thing to do. Prolly just reasons to leave SG no?

See, its not about wasting money or saving it for low times. We dont really spend that much on a trip. We really are budget travellers and im proud to say that we always always make it work.

See for example, our recent bangkok trip cost us 700 for flight, accomodation, and shopping. N bear in mind this includes his 18set of jerseys which he hauled for his soccer team. What soccer team? God dont make me start on that.

And even with that budget, i didnt feel like i had to curb my apetite or witheld from purchasing smtg that i really love. I basically bought what i wanted.

Which brings me to this, travelling. I Love love to travel. But for now, me and A are probably hitting more to cities in Asia because there is sooo much to see and do.

We have vietnam and cambodia in mind for our next trip in March and A is currently doing what he does best, researching for cheap flights and deals. No we are not cheap, we are prolly smarter. Yes we are.

Cause you know, if you wanna travel like the rich and famous and travel in style, you do it all the way yes? Sikit sikit cam tak payah la kan. So yes we are very much budget travellers and trust me, we always have loads of fun travelling with each other.

Travelling after being married sure brings a whole meaning of maturity i must say. For a start, A is a heavy packer whereas i pack so light i would usually end up wearing A's clothes, and this happens all the time.

And he LOVES to research and really dig all holes to find whatever he needs and wants to, which really, i dont have an interest on.
So i will always be surprised to see him bring along like 17pages of research stuffs on where to eat and where to shop and where to walk. Amazing man you. And on the other hand, i will complain and complain about walking too much, or eating too little or shopping for same stuff.
But deep inside i just want to jump on him like a koala bear and kiss him all over for being so thoughtful and clever to sort all that out, because i wouldnt, nope.

So, yes. I would suggest couples out there to always make a plan to travel with each other every few months or so. Dekat dekat pun jadilah. You know i do realise in this time and age, We all get to worked up on our daily lives that sometimes, a 4days trip somewhere out really gives us a chance to rekindle our love for our partner. Never stop dating each other. Never stop fighting for each other and never stop making effort for each other.  Sometimes time is all one need. And i promise A that no matter how busy i get, i will always always have time for him. He is afterall my big baby. Ok meluat. Bye!

I am back!

Hi all! I have just realised that my blog had over 29,000 readers thus far and wow, just wow. So well initially this was just going to be a wedding blog where i could rant what nots for the wedding preps and such. But ey, since this is already up, i might as well use this as a platform for everything and anything else.

For a start, i am still enjoying being married to the love of my life. Marriage has definitely made me more grown up, you know what i mean la kan. It has been a roller coaster ride as well, will share more in another post. In e meantime, i do hope to get my readers back!

See ya'll soon, much love!